Here we are 3 months after all bad happened...
This is the crap no one talks about after you lose your baby early. The death/burial arrangements, the after affects after birth, the doctor appointments, and the freaking endless amount of BILLS...and we still came home empty handed.
I mean you deal with the funeral/burial aspects...in the hospital, hours after you gave birth. I was so lucky that Jeffrey did almost all of the arrangements. Since we were out of state he had to be transferred at the state line. We are so very thankful for Barkley Funeral Home in Greenup. They handled the twins and now Matthias. They were absolutely wonderful and we are so grateful for them. The headstone and where they were to be buried. They are adding Matthias' name and date on the twin's headstone. We choose to have him buried right next to his siblings. We did not have to buy another plot as the casket was small enough to fit.
You know after you give birth to a baby you have them same after effects regardless if your child lived or not. This is what you aren't prepared for....Yes, your milk still comes in. Yes, it hurts even worse because it is a reminder that you don't have a baby to feed. You have to either let it come in and possibly donate it or try to get it to stop. You are still in maternity clothes. I'm not fully back into regular clothes yet either. This is again another reminder what your stomach used to look like when there was a living child making his home there. You loose your hair. I can't even begin to explain how much this one hurts. I didn't have much hair to begin with...but this...this is the worst. You still have stretch marks. Do not get me wrong I wear these marks with honor. It is just a constant reminder what used to be there.
The endless amounts of doctors appointments. My case was very severe, I have had more doctors appointments then I want to care to admit. Even 3 months out on average I am seeing a doctor every 2 weeks. All for different things! As of this past week, we finally found a blood pressure medicine/water pill combo that has made me feel like a human being again, and not a zombie.
I can interact with my kids. I can take them outside and let Micah play. I can't hold Maura very long because my arm muscle is gone. For my colorguard try outs I had to come up with a routine and have one of my seniors spin it for me to see if it worked and she had to teach it. I couldn't spin it...do you know how that made me feel? My one love of guard, to spin and teach, I couldn't even do that!! I have to build up my arm and leg muscles again.
DO NOT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON INSURANCE!! I am so blessed and glad we have insurance. Do not get me wrong. I have made so many phone calls. The other thing is that my new policy started on January 1st. When did I get admitted into the hospital the first time, January 2nd.... yep....I have been on the phone making sure that the insurance is straight. I am talking to insurance or my disability people once a week.
Sorry, this is just my rant. While the birth of a child is a beautiful thing...you need to remember some of us won't get to experience it the way most of the world will. Yet, we still have endure all the after affects. I am blessed I walked away alive. I have my family and my friends. I have finally been released to go back to work full time on Monday. While I have lost another child...I still need to look at it like this...I still have two girls at home that need their Mommy and one man that needs his wife.
Friday, May 4, 2018
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
Pre-Eclampsia and Me....Part 2
After delivery and ICU...This is Jeffrey's account...
After saying our "hellos" and "goodbyes" to Matthias, we had to wait for Kristie to deliver the placenta. This is where things got scary for us. After an hour, she still hadn't delivered the placenta, so Dr. Paul came in to get out what he could manually. He was able to get out the majority, but couldn't get it all so Kristie was wheeled back for a D and C. At this point, Dr. Paul mentioned the likely possibility of having to do a total hysterectomy. After Kristie was brought back from her D and C, we tried to get some sleep. Unfortunately, we were woken up at 6:00 am with the nurses and doctor moving around frantically. Kristie had lost too much blood and they started her on a blood transfusion. On top of that, she had gained seven pounds in less than 24 hours, and that was even after delivery. So, she was at 270. After the first blood transfusion and blood tests, they determined she was still loosing too much blood and they moved us to the ICU unit.
Once there, they started a PICC line, hooked up an additional 3 units of blood, and started her on numerous diuretics to pull off the excess fluid in her body. All the while, her blood pressure was still all over the place. At one point, they gave her a blood pressure medicine that immediately dropped her blood pressure, which caused her heart rate to jump up to catastrophic levels. I made the decision to tell our parents, without telling them all of the details because, you know, 500 questions later, and I didn't have the time or the patience for that. I was asked about power of attorney and if there were any DNR orders. That's not something you ever want to be asked.
Luckily, they finally found the right combination of medicines for both the blood pressure and the water retention. The first 24 hours, Kristie lost 16 liters of fluid. She was finally stable enough to be discharged from the ICU and moved back to the labor and delivery floor where they continued the diuretic medicines to pull off all of the extra fluid. After continuing to improve, we were finally discharged. Her total weight lost in the hospital was 45 pounds in 5 days.
On the way home, Kristie finally broke down, but my exact words to her were to "Knock that shit off", as her case was so severe, I almost made that drive home by myself. I almost lost my wife, and my daughters almost lost their mother. This pregnancy almost killed her, and in hindsight, it was for the best that Matthias passed when he did, because Kristie wouldn't have made it much longer, and I didn't want to have to make any final decisions on the pregnancy. Her quality of life for that month since diagnosis was not good. She couldn't take care of herself, was miserable, and in constant pain, yet never complained.
She still struggles with daily life functions, but I'm finally starting to see my wife make her return to normalcy. Our doctors have all said any future pregnancies will kill her. We are done with that part of our lives, but have plans to adopt again when the time is right.
Back to me...
I continue to slowly improve. I am currently down 65 pounds from Feb 3rd. I am still retaining fluid in my legs and stomach, with putting on so much weight so fast I am now covered in stretch marks. They are wide. They are pink. They are not completely healed. I put a medicated lotion on them daily. I can feel them pull when I turn over in bed. They are now my badge of honor. Over time, I will embrace my tiger stripes. I earned them. They will remind me of the battle I fought and I won. Jeffrey said they are like my version of a Purple Heart.
I am however still on three blood pressure medicines, a water pill, stool softener, Tylenol if needed, and an iron pill. What we are dealing with now is my heart rate. It is spiking when I stand to do things. It could be to make a meal, do some dishes, or even to just shower and dry my hair. I am so thankful for my FitBit. It is keeping track and it tells me how high it is getting. I am still not getting around the best. Walking from the car into the store would cause my heart rate to jump into the 120's or higher. When it does that I need to sit and breath through it. I need to slow it down. If I don't I start to feel panicky. The doctor said it from the blood pressure medications. If I forget to take the medication, I can tell. We will slowly get this under control.
I am still off work. My school administration is amazing. They have supported me through this. They want me back healthy. I know my class is in good hands right now. For once, I really need to focus on me and not everyone else. I need to be able to stand and not get winded when I walk around. I need my stamina back.
What I am dealing with emotionally is the hard part. I cry. I'm not mad like I was last time. With the twins I was absolutely honked off. I was mad at God. I didn't go to church for over a month. This time, I am just sad. I get very anxious when we go out in public. People do mean well and they are just curious but I am not at that stage that I can talk openly about everything that happened to me. Eventually, I will be able to talk about it without completely breaking down.
This is my story about Pre-Eclampsia. It is nothing to take lightly. I was blessed to have an amazing doctor. He saved me from losing everything. I was meant to stay here on earth. I was meant to tell my story. I want people to know how scary it got. I want this to help someone else who is going through this too. Infant loss is a tragedy. No one should have to bury their child. We have buried three Malachi, Marianna, and now Matthias. A piece of your heart is missing. It is ok to grieve. It is ok to cry. This is normal. You have to lean on your husband, lean on your family, and lean on your friends.
Matthias Carlen Finley
Born and Passed on Feb. 3rd, 2018
Laid to rest on Mar. 11th, 2018
After saying our "hellos" and "goodbyes" to Matthias, we had to wait for Kristie to deliver the placenta. This is where things got scary for us. After an hour, she still hadn't delivered the placenta, so Dr. Paul came in to get out what he could manually. He was able to get out the majority, but couldn't get it all so Kristie was wheeled back for a D and C. At this point, Dr. Paul mentioned the likely possibility of having to do a total hysterectomy. After Kristie was brought back from her D and C, we tried to get some sleep. Unfortunately, we were woken up at 6:00 am with the nurses and doctor moving around frantically. Kristie had lost too much blood and they started her on a blood transfusion. On top of that, she had gained seven pounds in less than 24 hours, and that was even after delivery. So, she was at 270. After the first blood transfusion and blood tests, they determined she was still loosing too much blood and they moved us to the ICU unit.
Once there, they started a PICC line, hooked up an additional 3 units of blood, and started her on numerous diuretics to pull off the excess fluid in her body. All the while, her blood pressure was still all over the place. At one point, they gave her a blood pressure medicine that immediately dropped her blood pressure, which caused her heart rate to jump up to catastrophic levels. I made the decision to tell our parents, without telling them all of the details because, you know, 500 questions later, and I didn't have the time or the patience for that. I was asked about power of attorney and if there were any DNR orders. That's not something you ever want to be asked.
Luckily, they finally found the right combination of medicines for both the blood pressure and the water retention. The first 24 hours, Kristie lost 16 liters of fluid. She was finally stable enough to be discharged from the ICU and moved back to the labor and delivery floor where they continued the diuretic medicines to pull off all of the extra fluid. After continuing to improve, we were finally discharged. Her total weight lost in the hospital was 45 pounds in 5 days.
On the way home, Kristie finally broke down, but my exact words to her were to "Knock that shit off", as her case was so severe, I almost made that drive home by myself. I almost lost my wife, and my daughters almost lost their mother. This pregnancy almost killed her, and in hindsight, it was for the best that Matthias passed when he did, because Kristie wouldn't have made it much longer, and I didn't want to have to make any final decisions on the pregnancy. Her quality of life for that month since diagnosis was not good. She couldn't take care of herself, was miserable, and in constant pain, yet never complained.
She still struggles with daily life functions, but I'm finally starting to see my wife make her return to normalcy. Our doctors have all said any future pregnancies will kill her. We are done with that part of our lives, but have plans to adopt again when the time is right.
Back to me...
I continue to slowly improve. I am currently down 65 pounds from Feb 3rd. I am still retaining fluid in my legs and stomach, with putting on so much weight so fast I am now covered in stretch marks. They are wide. They are pink. They are not completely healed. I put a medicated lotion on them daily. I can feel them pull when I turn over in bed. They are now my badge of honor. Over time, I will embrace my tiger stripes. I earned them. They will remind me of the battle I fought and I won. Jeffrey said they are like my version of a Purple Heart.
I am however still on three blood pressure medicines, a water pill, stool softener, Tylenol if needed, and an iron pill. What we are dealing with now is my heart rate. It is spiking when I stand to do things. It could be to make a meal, do some dishes, or even to just shower and dry my hair. I am so thankful for my FitBit. It is keeping track and it tells me how high it is getting. I am still not getting around the best. Walking from the car into the store would cause my heart rate to jump into the 120's or higher. When it does that I need to sit and breath through it. I need to slow it down. If I don't I start to feel panicky. The doctor said it from the blood pressure medications. If I forget to take the medication, I can tell. We will slowly get this under control.
I am still off work. My school administration is amazing. They have supported me through this. They want me back healthy. I know my class is in good hands right now. For once, I really need to focus on me and not everyone else. I need to be able to stand and not get winded when I walk around. I need my stamina back.
What I am dealing with emotionally is the hard part. I cry. I'm not mad like I was last time. With the twins I was absolutely honked off. I was mad at God. I didn't go to church for over a month. This time, I am just sad. I get very anxious when we go out in public. People do mean well and they are just curious but I am not at that stage that I can talk openly about everything that happened to me. Eventually, I will be able to talk about it without completely breaking down.
This is my story about Pre-Eclampsia. It is nothing to take lightly. I was blessed to have an amazing doctor. He saved me from losing everything. I was meant to stay here on earth. I was meant to tell my story. I want people to know how scary it got. I want this to help someone else who is going through this too. Infant loss is a tragedy. No one should have to bury their child. We have buried three Malachi, Marianna, and now Matthias. A piece of your heart is missing. It is ok to grieve. It is ok to cry. This is normal. You have to lean on your husband, lean on your family, and lean on your friends.
Matthias Carlen Finley
Born and Passed on Feb. 3rd, 2018
Laid to rest on Mar. 11th, 2018
Monday, March 19, 2018
Pre-eclampsia and Me...Part 1
"Preeclampsia is a pregnancy complication characterized by high blood pressure and signs of damage to another organ system, most often the liver and kidneys. Preeclampsia usually begins after 20 weeks of pregnancy in women whose blood pressure had been normal. Even a slight rise in blood pressure may be a sign of preeclampsia.
Left untreated, preeclampsia can lead to serious — even fatal — complications for both you and your baby. If you have preeclampsia, the only cure is delivery of your baby." ~Mayo Clinic
Here is my story...
We decided to just try ONE MORE TIME. We went back to my fertility doctor where we had our last two ice babies. On September 28th I went in to transfer both ice babies (both 5 days and one was starting to hatch). We had the most perfect transfer. Everything went perfectly...even when we saw both eggs get transferred there was a high in the music they had playing. On 4dp5dt (4 days past 5 day transfer) I cheated and took a HPT (home pregnancy test) and saw a very very faint line. I knew something was up...since my heart rate changed too (thanks FitBit). I was floored! I did a HPT everyday until 13dp5dt. I had to make sure it was real, and I liked seeing the line get darker and darker. Our last transfer we did the November after we lost the twins...didn't work. So I was kind of surprised! Flash forward...6 weeks along we had an ultrasound. TWINS...AGAIN! We were excited!! We go back at 7 week along, one egg was a little smaller than the other. I go see them at 9 weeks. We had an ultrasound, we saw two sacs, one heartbeat. The one stopped growing at 7w4d. We were ok with it. That one was always smaller than the other and Dr. Dayal told us it probably won't make it. We were told that my body would just absorb it. They had it set up that every two weeks I would be seen by someone. You see after we lost the twins and I had so many miscarriages before it was recommended that I see a Fetal Medicine Specialist.
We made an appointment with Dr. Michael Paul at MOBAP (Missouri Baptist Medical Center). He met us when I was 13w2d. It was a long appointment. We had to go through my whole pregnancy history. It sucked having to relive every detail. Jeffrey had to do most of the talking about the delivery about the twins because I didn't remember a lot about the delivery of Marianna. I was on some pretty heavy pain meds. He decided it was a good idea that I get a cerclage put in. A cerclage is where they sew your cervix shut to prevent preterm labor. He likes to do them before 14 weeks. So that Friday (13w5d) we drove to MOBAP and checked into the hospital for my cerclage.
After that was done...this is where everything starts...
During Christmas break, (16w) I noticed my feet were swelling and my vision was changing. I had blurry vision only in the morning then after a while it would clear up. It started getting worse. The swelling and the blurry vision would last all day now. Not even keeping my feet elevated would help. On Jan 2nd I called the doctor's office at MOBAP and they told me to check myself into the hospital. Once we got a room they took my vitals and my blood pressure was 220/160. My blood pressure is always very regular at around 120/80, so this was not good. They immediately started me on a magnesium IV, which made me nauseous. When that didn't get my blood pressure down, I got started on an arsenal of medications until they found the right fit. I was admitted to the hospital. We were told that we needed to prepare to lose the baby at that point. My blood work showed that my blood platelets were low. Liver enzymes were elevated. Those were some signs of HELLP.
- H- hemolysis ( breakdown of red blood cells)
- EL- elevated liver enzymes (liver function)
- LP- low platelets counts (platelets help the blood clot)
americanpregnancy.org
After several up and down blood pressure readings, they decided to keep me there for monitoring, and I stayed there for 6 nights. I was put on bed rest, not allowed to return to work, and had to go back for weekly check ups. He diagnosed me with early onset of pre-eclampsia at 16w5d. Which as you can see the definition of pre-eclampsia doesn't happen until 20 weeks or after. I clearly like to be different and do things the hard way.
I was on about 12 pills a day. We had to get one of the daily medicine holders. Over the next 4 weeks I gained weight...over 50 pounds to be exact...in fluid. I couldn't lay flat because I couldn't breath correctly. So, I slept in the recliner. I was so round and my legs were so big, walking to the bathroom was a struggle. I was miserable. I didn't complain one bit. I wanted this pregnancy. I was willing to get over any hurdle. We were visiting the doctor weekly at this point. Gaining more weight...each appointment.
At our appointment when I was 20w6d. We packed all my things. Jeffrey was going to insist they admit me. We went in for our anatomy scan ultrasound. They weighed me...263...and I went back to get ready to see him moving around and kicking. We didn't see any of that. No movement. No heartbeat. We knew that when she went to get a doctor...it was over. I was wheeled to Labor and Delivery and put into a room. I didn't break down until I sat on the bed.
I remember sitting there crying, telling Jeffrey that I was sorry. I know that I didn't do anything wrong. What you may not understand about early infant loss is the overwhelming feeling that it WAS your fault. You did something, I knew it was not but it was all I could say. Jeffrey knows better and told me otherwise like he always does. He is usually almost always right. It felt like eternity until the nurse came back in. They did all the normal things. Vitals, information, etc. I had to get changed into a hospital gown. I knew the next steps. I remember a little bit already from Marianna. They would give me something to induce labor. Sounds easy right? Nope.
They had to monitor my blood pressure, I needed an IV started, I had to get my cerclage removed, and I knew I had to get an epidural. These all sound like easy steps for a normal person. Not for someone who has ballooned up. I was round. Every part of me! My legs, arms, hands, face, and belly. I felt like that girl from Willy Wonka, Violet Beauregarde, who eats the gum and blows up like a blueberry. No lie! They couldn't get an IV in because my arms were so swollen and my veins kept rolling. So they brought in this cool looking ultrasound machine. It was made to find veins! I watched in amazement as they found a vein around my elbow area that would work. Now with my IV in they can start giving me more of the Magnesium Sulfate (this is the stuff that made me sick last time). This time since my blood pressure wasn't as high they did it on a slower drip and I didn't get sick. That I was thankful for...
A little while later they came in to do the epidural, and everything seemed to go well. Until a little later, I found out that I could still feel my one leg. So Dr. Paul came in a while later to remove the cerclage. All he had to do was cut the thread that was holding my cervix shut. What most people don't know about me is that I have a high pain tolerance. I don't complain. I was taught early in life, "No Pain, No Gain" so I can handle a decent about of pain. Well, lets just say I felt EVERYTHING he did! The cerclage being cut and them putting in the catheter. I definitely should not have...come to find out that the epidural came out or moved because of the swelling of fluid in my back. Therefore, I had to have a second epidural. I am happy to say that this one worked. The nurse apologized over and over. I was just glad it worked. I was then given a pill to encourage contractions.
The contractions I felt are not like that ones people talk about with a normal pregnancy. These were the same as I felt with Malachi and Marianna. These contractions felt like I was really constipated. Gas pains. Cramps. Needing to go #2. Just more intense. So at about 2:30am on Feb 3rd my water broke. I knew from last time that he wouldn't be far behind. He wasn't. He was born about 2:40. He. was. PERFECT. He had Jeffrey's shovel nose. The Finley genes are strong! They nurses were amazing. I got to hold him and I remember holding him. He had 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect little toes. They did everything they do with all normal births. We got pictures. They dressed him with a tiny little coat and a tiny little hat. As she was dressing him she commented that he had no butt either (another Finley trait). He had a small blanket. He had a perfect little basket he was put in. See when babies are born this early and stillborn you have very limited time with them. They start to deteriorate fast once they are born. They kept him "cool" until a priest was able to come to do the blessing.
We had his name picked out before all this went down but after meeting him we changed it. I don't know why Matthias popped in my head but it just felt right. Carlen is a family name on Jeffrey's side. So, Matthias Carlen Finley was born and passed on February 3, 2018. A perfect angel that couldn't stay with us. He was too perfect for earth. He is now with our 4 other angel babies (early miscarriages), Malachi John, and Marianna Grace. On March 11th, he was laid to rest right next to his brother and sister here in Ste. Marie.
I remember sitting there crying, telling Jeffrey that I was sorry. I know that I didn't do anything wrong. What you may not understand about early infant loss is the overwhelming feeling that it WAS your fault. You did something, I knew it was not but it was all I could say. Jeffrey knows better and told me otherwise like he always does. He is usually almost always right. It felt like eternity until the nurse came back in. They did all the normal things. Vitals, information, etc. I had to get changed into a hospital gown. I knew the next steps. I remember a little bit already from Marianna. They would give me something to induce labor. Sounds easy right? Nope.
They had to monitor my blood pressure, I needed an IV started, I had to get my cerclage removed, and I knew I had to get an epidural. These all sound like easy steps for a normal person. Not for someone who has ballooned up. I was round. Every part of me! My legs, arms, hands, face, and belly. I felt like that girl from Willy Wonka, Violet Beauregarde, who eats the gum and blows up like a blueberry. No lie! They couldn't get an IV in because my arms were so swollen and my veins kept rolling. So they brought in this cool looking ultrasound machine. It was made to find veins! I watched in amazement as they found a vein around my elbow area that would work. Now with my IV in they can start giving me more of the Magnesium Sulfate (this is the stuff that made me sick last time). This time since my blood pressure wasn't as high they did it on a slower drip and I didn't get sick. That I was thankful for...
A little while later they came in to do the epidural, and everything seemed to go well. Until a little later, I found out that I could still feel my one leg. So Dr. Paul came in a while later to remove the cerclage. All he had to do was cut the thread that was holding my cervix shut. What most people don't know about me is that I have a high pain tolerance. I don't complain. I was taught early in life, "No Pain, No Gain" so I can handle a decent about of pain. Well, lets just say I felt EVERYTHING he did! The cerclage being cut and them putting in the catheter. I definitely should not have...come to find out that the epidural came out or moved because of the swelling of fluid in my back. Therefore, I had to have a second epidural. I am happy to say that this one worked. The nurse apologized over and over. I was just glad it worked. I was then given a pill to encourage contractions.
The contractions I felt are not like that ones people talk about with a normal pregnancy. These were the same as I felt with Malachi and Marianna. These contractions felt like I was really constipated. Gas pains. Cramps. Needing to go #2. Just more intense. So at about 2:30am on Feb 3rd my water broke. I knew from last time that he wouldn't be far behind. He wasn't. He was born about 2:40. He. was. PERFECT. He had Jeffrey's shovel nose. The Finley genes are strong! They nurses were amazing. I got to hold him and I remember holding him. He had 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect little toes. They did everything they do with all normal births. We got pictures. They dressed him with a tiny little coat and a tiny little hat. As she was dressing him she commented that he had no butt either (another Finley trait). He had a small blanket. He had a perfect little basket he was put in. See when babies are born this early and stillborn you have very limited time with them. They start to deteriorate fast once they are born. They kept him "cool" until a priest was able to come to do the blessing.
We had his name picked out before all this went down but after meeting him we changed it. I don't know why Matthias popped in my head but it just felt right. Carlen is a family name on Jeffrey's side. So, Matthias Carlen Finley was born and passed on February 3, 2018. A perfect angel that couldn't stay with us. He was too perfect for earth. He is now with our 4 other angel babies (early miscarriages), Malachi John, and Marianna Grace. On March 11th, he was laid to rest right next to his brother and sister here in Ste. Marie.
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