The thoughts...in Kristie's head...

Please remember this is my blog and my thoughts and if you don't like it then don't read on...this is MY outlet...

Well it has been a while since I wrote in here. I've been, just here, I have had a hard couple months...mentally. To me...there has been A LOT of pregnancy announcements/births on FB. It is like a huge "LOOK AT ME" billboard. I need to take time to process these types of things/announcements. I need to accept them on my terms. I feel like people get offended if I don't say anything...but why say it when it is empty words? I'm hurting on the inside. Every new announcement is a new nail in my heart another reminder of my struggles to get pregnant. Having to deal with these feelings...it takes time. I get very upset and cry every time. I try to keep my feelings under control until I get home. Then I cry it out and I feel better for a little while. Then that wave hits and I go through it again. Talking about it is a circle. Jeffrey has heard it a million times. Yet, he listens and doesn't say a word and just holds me. It helps.

If you have not had to deal with infertility please don't tell me you know how I feel. Honestly, I really don't want to hear it. You seriously have no clue!! Don't tell me you understand my feelings because it took you a couple months to get pregnant. Don't tell me to relax, it will happen. Don't tell me it isn't my time yet. Don't tell me to stop thinking about it. Don't tell me God has a plan. Seriously, none of it helps.

I have had 2 miscarriages. Two times we got to see the positive line on that stick. Two times we got very excited. The second time would have been twins...but I lost the first pregnancy at 8 weeks and I lost the second one because they were ectopic. Having a double ectopic pregnancy with IVF is a 1% chance. Lucky us, we were the 1%! Both eggs implanted in places they shouldn't...in my tube and in my ovary. I had to get two shots of methotrexate (a cancer type drug) to help the eggs detach themselves. It took a couple months for my HCG levels to get to 0. Thats right...every week we had to get blood work done. Every week I went to the hospital. Every week I got blood drawn and every week I waited to hear my numbers and hoped they went down. If they didn't go down it meant surgery to remove them. The people in the lab got to know me and it seemed routine. If you have never had a miscarriage then you don't know the steps you go through and the feelings of just waiting to see that number hit 0 so you can try again. MONTHS OF WAITING!

So again don't tell me you know how I feel...

We are playing the waiting game with the adoption. We are really just waiting. We have the nursery set up and clothes in the closet. We have a stroller and carseats ready. The door to the nursery is closed. I want it to be open and hear noise coming from it. I want to be tired from being up all night. I want to look a mess. I want to have a stinky diaper to change. I want to be thrown up on in the middle of the night. You parents out there have NO IDEA how lucky you are to have a child. Yet some of you complain on FB about some or all of those things. I see it and look at it a different way...through my eyes...

We have still a ways to go on our fund raising. So we have decided to start spreading the news about a great company we have decided to start working with. They are all about people and their products. The products are toxin free and green. If you want more info let me know.

I write here because I need a place to vent. I am not looking for pity either. So don't give it to me. I was clearly given this path because I could handle it. I need a place to write my feelings down. I always feel better after I write. If this offends you feel free to unfriend me. It won't hurt my feelings any.